ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
