There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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