remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
