Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
