you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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