Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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