Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
it's like iHOP with fire
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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