I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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