We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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