he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
