Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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