I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
