It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
