I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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