I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Let's paint friendship bongs
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't turn off my feet"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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