I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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