I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
