today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
