Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
