I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
