It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
