life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
