I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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