if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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