if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
