fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Randomize
