His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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