My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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