Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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