Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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