Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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