I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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