On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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