a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
