please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
