my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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