If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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