Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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