he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
