We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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