the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
