I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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