Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
