Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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