seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Congratulations! We have a period
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
