a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Bring me that man meat
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
