Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
