I wish my penis had an off switch
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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