When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
