i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
