I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
