My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
