Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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