I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
