I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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