Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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