i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
