i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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