Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
