I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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