We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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