my mouth tastes like poor choices
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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