Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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